First, a wee bit of housekeeping. If you read my last post, you know that endings have pushed me into beginnings. In this new(ish) online home (first online home here), I’m beginning an old practice again—writing and sharing beauty online, weekly.
My intention is to send an email every week(please please, leave me a comment—or participate in the simple poll below— telling me your favorite day of the week to receive a little inbox magic).
I’m not sure what we are calling this regular email yet . . .
Think of this weekly letter of goodness as a finder’s keepers for the beauty-hungry soul.
This finders keepers note may include (I struggle with creative commitment these days):
A NOTE / A QUOTE / A BLINK OF BEAUTY / LOVELY LINKS
NOTE
Hello Lovely Observers,
How is living? Are you observing the world around you, the world within you? Or do you find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time observing everyone else’s lives from your tiny glowing pocket dictator?
Met too.
I tell myself I’m looking for inspiration.
That I’m reading the news to stay informed (be brainwashed by an algorithm).
I’m connecting with friends.
What’s that recipe?
What capsule pieces do I need to dress elegantly and ditch my yoga pants?
Where was that restaurant in Vienna (as If I’m going there)?
How do I heal trauma (the reels surely have all the answers)?
Wait, maybe this holistic doctor can help me (if I give them all of my money before they tell me the $500 worth of supplements that I need).
I cannot stop watching 80s reels—Strawberry Shortcake dolls to Christopher Cross’s Sailing. They make me feel safe and . . . sad.
Before I know it, I’m an hour in, glassy-eyed, trying to figure out how this model girl, who sells expensive matcha (which I’ve now ordered) bought a farm in Italy and why I think my soul wants that so badly for myself. Not my own matcha company, but nature with a view and that la dolce vita life (including pasta & cheese that won’t hurt your stomach). I mean, I’d totally settle for a few animals (a couple of dogs, a cat, bunnies, a horse, two alpacas, chickens, and maybe a miniature donkey is all I need) on a beautiful piece of land that I can care for and create on, offering me opportunities to share beauty. It’s not that I want to move to Italy (although wouldn’t that be fun for a season?) . . . I’m actually still working out what my body and soul need in this season of healing and growing. I’m working out how to truly live.
Maybe Instagram is ruining my brain.
All of our brains.
(maybe IG is the real zombie apocalypse).
The mindless scrolling that all of us use as a coping mechanism (a distraction from some “thing” —what “thing” is it for you?) that tricks us into believing that we are living—or at best that we are planning for the living.
Are you planning for the living?
Planning is good. Preparing is good. Input is good.
But it is not living.
You see, there is a difference between motion and action. James Clear often talks about this. He says, “Motion feels like progress. Action is progress.”) One can collect information and plan forever (resident expert here) and never take an actual step. It feels wise to gather information and plan and wait, but wisdom comes from experience—from living (just as motion and action are not the same, neither are knowledge and wisdom).
From here we could take a number of directions. We could look at the compelling research on what our tiny glowing pocket dictators are doing to our brains (let’s delve into that at another time). I could share tips and tricks to help you take action (or at the least tell you how I plan to practice living more). Or I could propose that, together, we adjust our digital gaze to observe why we might be spending a great deal of time frozen, in a perpetual state of input-seeking, and avoiding our lives (intentionally or unintentionally).
I can’t answer that for you.
Perhaps our answers are very similar, maybe drastically different?
There are a number of reasons why I haven’t been creating, living, or taking action. Burnout. Grief. Uncertainty. Overthinking. Emotional Exhaustion. Trauma (my nervous system being stuck in freeze mode).
Maybe take a pause. Observe your inner world. A landscape all of its own.
This may require quiet (it definitely requires unglowing the glow, powering down the tiny dictator). And it’s not for the sake of self-flagellation. It’s for the purpose of information pertaining to the state of your soul.
The other day in my quiet time, I realized that for such a long time my purpose, my focus—even if it was at a subconscious level—was to help keep another human alive, my dad! (As if I truly possess that power. But we try. We try our darndest). Adrenaline drove me. Adrenaline, responsibility, honor, loyalty, and, of course, love. What a cocktail. Even in survival mode, utter exhaustion, and bullying fear, I could keep going; I had grit and purpose. I was useful.
Now, that role has ended. It’s just me trying to muster the energy (while simultaneously trying to regulate my very jacked-up nervous system) to figure out a new way to live, to honor, love and serve. How should I be useful? (And how do I do this without adrenaline and unhealthy patterns).
It all puts me at endings and beginnings. Again. In big and tiny ways.
Maybe you, too, are at a beginning? An ending? Maybe you haven’t been living? Have you been in survival mode? Are you been escaping by watching others live their lives? Perhaps you don’t even know how to live beyond the robotic routine of your everyday life. Even the tiniest of actions seem to overwhelm you. You go in circles around washing the dishes.
It’s ok. There is grace. And there is growth.
Like me, you might be on the hunt for a golden ticket of sorts (by way of scrolling).
A Grand God Gesture. Writing on the wall always works.
I’ve been waiting in my new beginning. For clarity, I suppose. For someone to tell me what to do.
Waiting and escaping.
Escaping and waiting.
Tip-toeing into motion.
Maybe I need a goal.
A new life plan? Or at the least a new plan for the week (how about a meal plan—checks IG again)!
In all of my scrolling, inputting, motion and micro-actions, here’s what I’m finding. Action and living don’t require as much research and planning as we think. They require a try. A taste and see. A step (steps can be directed and redirected).
Recently, after realizing no one is going to tell me what to do (except me), I decided on two actions (that I’m certain will produce clarity). They might work for you too (if you’re feeling stuck or frozen).
Return to what I know. I know I am a writer. I don’t know what to do with that in this season. I want to do something different, but the action I can take, at this point, to break the cycle of overthinking, is to begin again with a familiar format. So here I am. Write. Publish. Share.
Surrender my need for the perfect plan. I’m attempting to wake up and tell my heavenly Father, that I make myself available for His kingdom purposes, today. My gifts are to write, encourage, find and share beauty, create, and publish. Use these gifts as you please, Lord. May my eyes, ears, heart, soul, and spirit be awake and observing what and who I need to encounter today.
So here I am. I welcome you to join me in this place of beginnings. I’m pecking away at a few very non-grand beginnings, I’m returning to what I know, and I’m making myself available.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Sometimes observing is the action. Sometimes it’s rest. Isn’t it wonderful that each new day offers us choices, no matter how minuscule?
P.S. Notes won’t always be this long. Some will be short, some long, some medium-ish. Hopefully each one “just right.”
“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald
Creating is a non-negotiable beginning for me. I cannot draw, but this footage of an artist at work inspired me.
Having a comedy to watch as a family (esp in the colder months) is a must. Our current watch is set in the 80s. It looks like home once looked and felt. (This was our favorite for years). For a stunning drama, I recommend All The Light We Cannot See. I had an opportunity to view the first episode before it was released and it was beautiful and haunting.
My new fave fall booties (Oat for me)
This thought might set you free from overthinking. Or at least help you practice decision-making.
Here’s the Matcha I ordered (It’s a good one! Especially with homemade almond milk).
I can relate in so many ways to the season you are in as I’m there also. Thank you for sharing. Made me feel less alone and helped me have compassion on myself. Love your writing!
Meaningful writing. It is helpful to learn how other Christians struggle to find meaning as life brings many changes and struggles our way.